How would you like to banish 80% of the criticism in your life?
I am about to teach you a simple but powerful technique that will do exactly that. Something that almost no one ever does – but once you try it, you will find it positively liberating.
Picture someone criticizing you about something. Anything. Is there even the slightest shred of truth to what they are saying? Good! Now, here is what I want you to do: “lean in” to what they are saying, and acknowledge their criticism with as much gusto as possible.
Repeat after me: Wow. You’re right, I really *am* that way. It’s terrible. This must completely frustrate the heck out of you … you get the idea.
This feels like bungee jumping naked off a bridge for most of us. We all have very strong survival instincts to lean away from criticism and defend ourselves. Which almost always makes the other person react with more anger. But when you lean in, something amazing happens. You short-circuit the other person’s natural fight-or-flight reflex, and suddenly you are both talking rationally.
So here is a neat little tool to help you do this, that I recently developed for my therapy clients. It is a worksheet where you plug in the right words, turn the crank, and then watch the other person’s criticism go down the drain. I call it the “Criticism-Stopping Worksheet.”
It came into being when I would instruct people to “acknowledge” or “validate” the other person, and discovered that they had no idea how to go about it. Then I would whip out a sheet of paper and write down a step-by-step procedure, and suddenly everything became clear. So now, here it is – try it for yourself!
The criticism-stopping worksheet
Step 1. Begin your response with, “Well, of course!”
Step 2. Describe the worst possible thing the other person might be imagining. Don’t hold back!
Step 3. State your own case. Use facts, stay positive, and never, ever use the word “but.”
Step 4. Ask “What do you think?”
Here are some examples of how it works:
Mom: What a stupid idea you have about majoring in acting!
College student: Well, of course! I’ll bet you worry that I am going to end up a starving actor who hangs around your house drinking beer in my underwear until I’m 43. In reality, I am planning to see how I can use the acting skills I learn to succeed in business, while I try to build a career. What do you think?
Boyfriend: Sheesh – here you go with another crazy business idea!
Girlfriend: Well, of course! The last business I tried failed miserably, so you are probably worried that I am going to crash and burn again – and take our finances with it. Here is how I am planning to gradually bootstrap this business this time (…) What do you think?
Wife: You never pay attention to me. You are always in front of your computer.
Husband: Well, of course! You probably feel like I am married to my career instead of you these days. I have been pretty busy, but perhaps we should schedule a “date night” every week just for us. What do you think?
Just remember: the more gusto, the better. It feels like pouring gasoline on a fire at first, but it really works. Take the time last month that I was finishing graduate school and working full tilt, and never got around to clearing out some boxes in the den for my sweetie. What did I say as she stood there with her hands on her hips? “Well, of course – I’ve been horrible! You’ve been expecting me to clean this for weeks. You must be really upset! Suppose I set a firm date of no later than Thursday to clean out these boxes, for real. What do you think?”
Now, of course, I did follow through and cleaned out the boxes. (This is why I am a smart man who has managed to stay married for decades.) But my initial response totally sucked the heat out of the situation. And I’ve watched the same technique break through long-simmering conflicts, sometimes dramatically, when I have had family therapy clients try it.
So next time someone starts shooting flames at you, try walking right into them – and then crank the heat even higher! You will be truly amazed at how much less criticism there is in your life.