Many people look at terms like shy, introverted, and socially anxious as meaning exactly the same thing. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. These terms overlap, but have totally different meanings and applications. These differences can be very important in knowing yourself, and how you react to social situations.
First, let us look at shyness. Shyness is defined as a sense of discomfort about interacting with people or being in social situations. It is an extremely common trait. According to Psychology Today, as many as half of people consider themselves to be shy. It can affect face-to-face encounters with people, remote conversations such as online or telephone chats, or meeting with people in groups.
Some shy people may crave the company of others, and others may wish they were alone on a desert island somewhere. Either way, what distinguishes shyness is how comfortable it is for them to approach people, respond to them, or hold a conversation with them. Often it is tied in with a fear of looking bad in front of others, and sometimes it can develop in response to having previously endured poor encounters.
Shyness can also be part of deeper issues such as social anxiety, where you are not only uncomfortable with other people but fear and avoid such encounters. In some ways, the difference between shyness and social anxiety can be seen in terms of the degree of distress that you feel in these situations. Either way, it is a very common shared experience for most people, and a certain amount of it is normal for everyone.
Next, let us consider introversion. In my experience, this is one of the most misunderstood terms in all of psychology. People mistakenly think that an introvert is a shy, withdrawn person who fears social contact. In reality, introversion has nothing to do with how outgoing you appear. Instead, it is primarily defined by your energy level in social situations.
An introvert may enjoy interacting with people, but these interactions drain a limited supply of energy he or she has for socializing – and once this energy is used up, they need to get away and recharge. Extroverts, by comparison, gain energy from interacting with others. So, if you go to a party, have a great time, but feel drained afterwards, you are likely to be an introvert. (Fun fact: many celebrities and visibly outgoing people are introverts.)
One other defining trait of introverts is that they generally like to have a fully formed thought before they open their mouths to speak–which means they often dislike being “put on the spot” to respond quickly in a social situation. (Extroverts, by comparison, think out loud by talking–and what comes out is not always accurate!) This is a normal part of an introvert’s unique personality. In fact, I often tell introverted patients it is a very good thing that some people like to think before they speak!
This is one area where knowledge is truly power, because if you are an introvert, you need to know two things about yourself to have effective conversations with people. First, you need to conserve your social energy. Second, because you like to think before talking and not “shoot from the hip”, you will do best with prepared questions and responses for common social situations. We will discuss strategies like these and more in the chapters to come.
Finally, how do traits like shyness and introversion relate to anxiety? Sometimes a lot, and sometimes not at all. It completely depends on the person, and on the situation. It is possible to be shy or introverted and not anxious at all, or for one to instead be very anxious. However, it is when this anxiety becomes extreme when we employ a clinical diagnosis such as social anxiety disorder.
This is why knowing who you are, and how to describe yourself, is an important first step in learning how to have confident conversations with people. One person may be shy because they simply do not know what to say to people, and this can be addressed through learning new skills. Another person may be overwhelmed by anxiety and could benefit from counseling and/or medication. Still another person may need to learn how to react in specific situations. Understanding your own situation will provide valuable data for helping your own social skills and confidence.