I enjoy helping people learn new, procedural ways to communicate effectively in even the most difficult situations – such as what to say when people are rude and demanding, or how to have influence when you are presenting an idea. And of all of these skills, the one that I feel is the most important communications skill of all is the neutral opening.
Let’s say that you are trying to ask someone to dress better at work. Or want someone to stop yelling at her employees all the time. Criticism never works, no matter how “right” it is, because the other person almost always pushes back. So far, so good. But now, what *do* you say – particularly for those critical first few seconds that make or break the conversation?
What quote-unquote nice people usually try to do is make small talk, beat around the bush, or compliment the other person first – all of which the other person normally sees through, even in role-play. Today, they learned that the most powerful opening is one that is totally non-threatening, yet gets you head-on into productive dialogue with the other person about the issue at hand. In other words, a neutral opening.
Here’s an example of what you might say to person who should dress better: “I see you like to be comfortable at work.” For someone who is falling behind at work: “It sounds like you’ve been really busy lately.” And for the person who yells at her staff, there is what I call the perfect neutral opening, because it is all but guaranteed to open a dialogue: “What frustrates you about people on your team?”
Once you engage someone with your opening statement, you have opened the door for a productive dialogue that can benefit both of you. But first, you have to get over the speed bump of starting the discussion. That is why neutral openings, which can be learned and practiced, are far and away the most important part of interacting with another person. So in summary: find out where the other person’s interests lie, and always start your discussions there.