As a therapist who treats fears and phobias, one of the key tools in my arsenal is the concept of having good “outs” – in other words, ways that let YOU control how much you expose yourself to a situation. For example, if you are afraid to fly, knowing that you could take an extra day and drive home if you needed to.
Does that sound a little funny – fighting a fear by knowing how to escape it? Actually, this is a very powerful tool. You see, the purpose of a good “out” isn’t to escape a situation: its job is to make it easier to get IN to the situation, by knowing that you have the out if you need it.
When it comes to social situations that involve small talk, I feel that good “outs” are particularly important when you suffer from social anxiety disorder. People who suffer from this often dread going in to situations that could give them an opportunity to practice their conversation skills, and so they avoid them in the first place. By comparison, good “outs” let you dose-measure how much of an exposure you are comfortable trying.
Here are some examples of good “outs” for making small talk with someone:
-Deciding if you are more comfortable one-on-one or in a group, and seeking out your preference ahead of time.
-Having a strong, confident “closing statement” that lets you gracefully exit a conversation anytime. (For example, “It was great speaking with you! I have to duck out for a couple minutes to check on someone at home. Hope you have a great evening!”)
-Having a support person with you, and giving them a pre-arranged signal if you need them to take over the conversation.
-Knowing that if all else fails, we all have to visit the rest room when needed.
Good “outs” can often give you the courage to try making conversation with people when all else fails, and in my experience, they work best when you go into a situation knowing that it is often good judgment to use the out when needed. (An “out” isn’t very effective if you are ashamed to use it in an actual situation.) Above all, your goal is whatever helps you have more real conversations with real people.
So are you wondering how to get started making small talk with other people? Consider planning how to escape these conversations first! You might be surprised how much they can help you start having them.